Call the Lawyer: Fairy Tales (Adapted) for Our Times

Three Little Pigs

The big bad wolf went to the first pig’s house, huffed and puffed, and blew the
house down. The little pig ran to the second pig’s house. The big bad wolf huffed
and puffed and blew this house down. Now, the two little pigs ran to the third pig’s
house that they thought was made of bricks.

But the third little pig had not yet built his house because it had not received all necessary
building permits. The building permit from Seattle Department of Construction and
Inspections (SDCI) did not cover electrical, HVAC, plumbing, and side sewer work. Also, this land was in Seattle’s shoreline district, so SDCI needed to review the
environmental impacts of proposed development to shoreline waters, fish, and
wildlife. SDCI said this would take 12 to 18 months.

The wolf had a wonderful dinner and lived happily ever after.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

Asserting that the three-foot high wall was an attractive nuisance, Humpty sued the wall’s owner for hospital expenses, physical damages, infliction of emotional distress, mental anguish, and loss of business. The jury awarded Dumpty $11.5 million.

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again

In Dumpty v. King’s Horses Et. Al., Humpty sued for medical malpractice including
misdiagnosis, surgical errors, administration of improper medications, premature
discharge, and failure to recognize multiple fractures. The jury awarded Dumpty
$36.7 million.

Sleeping Beauty

An evil sorceress named Maleficent declared that Princess Rosamond must die by pricking herself with a spindle at age 16. A wise woman changes Rosamond’s fate on her sixteenth birthday. After pricking her finger Rosamond falls asleep for 100 years. One hundred years later Rosamond was awakened by a Prince. He was not charmed by a woman 116 years old.

The Prince took pity on the aged lady and placed her in a senior living facility. Rosamond found it difficult to socialize. She became depressed but could not afford counseling or anti-depressants because no medical plan would insure a person aged 116 who had no previous insurance.

Miserable and destitute, Rosamund searches for Maleficent to put her back to sleep. The Prince married a daughter of Lorenzo de’ Medici and lives happily ever after.

Goldilocks

Goldilocks enters a house in the woods. Inside, she finds three bowls of porridge. She
began tasting them.

Bowl Number 1 was repugnant and disgusting. Blackened, burnt, overcooked, and acidic, it stuck to roof of Goldilocks’ mouth. “Obviously, the chef added insufficient liquid and then cooked a single portion on a sticky stovetop pan causing the oatmeal to stick to the pan and burn.”

Number 2 was insipid and tedious, being inadequately salted and lacking cinnamon. “Salt enhances the sense of sweetness and intensifies flavors, especially the flavor of the oats,” Goldilocks noted. “Omitting the piquant cinnamon should be a misdemeanor.

Number 3, made from quick-cooking processed oats, was the worst of all. “Authentic Porridge must be made from steel-cut oats which contain more fiber and are lower on the glycemic index,” Goldilocks concluded.

“Even worse, in an abortive attempt to hide the hideous taste of quick-cooking processed oats, an excess of maple syrup and honey was mixed with sweet fruits (strawberries and blueberries) and the savory tastes (cured pork, fresh herbs, cheese). “Savory and cloying sweetness together! I am not making this up. What a fiasco, I must get out of here before I throw up.”