My Personal Deficit Solution: Tariffs for All!

In February I reviewed my expenses for 2024. I found I had been victimized by trade deficits at six food stores. For example, I paid my butcher, Don and Joe’s Meats, $2,367 last year. They purchased nothing from me. I wondered if they were screwing me.

Being a very stable mathematical genius, I devised formulae to calculate my trade deficit: T =S–R where T equals the trade deficit, S=the amount I spent at the store and R=the amount the store spent on my products. I then used an Excel spreadsheet to calculate my Pike Place Market six-store trade deficits:

Pike Place Market Creamery, $764 (S) – $0 (R) = $764 (T)
DeLaurenti’s, $2,312-0 = $2,312
Three Girls Bakery, $459-0 = $459
Pure Food Fish Market, $1,277-0 = $1,277
Don and Joe’s Meats, $2,367-0 = $2,367
Sosio’s Produce, $3,178-0 = $3,178

Total for six stores, $10,357 = $10,357

I was suspicious to see that my expenses always equaled my trade deficit. As a mathematical genius, I knew the chances of this happening randomly were vanishingly small. The obvious explanation was that these six stores were conspiring against me.

That is why I threatened them with a tariff.

“How do you put a tariff on a store?” my wife asked. “I hope I won’t have to,” I answered. “I will propose that they eliminate the trade deficit by buying my products. If they don’t, I will figure out a formula and Excel model to set tariffs. Must I remind you that I am a very stable mathematical genius?”

I told the stores I would forgo tariffs if they agreed to buy worthless bitcoin memes equaling my store expenditures. They ignored my offer.

On April 2, the Day of Clifford Liberation, I announced a 25% tariff on the six stores starting April 10.

Today I announce today that I will delay these tariffs for 90 days. This is not a reaction to falling markets. The delay was always part of my strategy, and worked magnificently, only because markets believed that I would never compromise. That is why my spokespersons always insisted that I would never give in. You now see why I am celebrated as both a consummate dealmaker, and a very stable, mathematical genius.

I now have 90 more days to refine my concept of a viable plan for tariffs on six stores. Then I will tackle Medicare and Medicaid.