I thought of writing a parody of Trump’s cabinet nominees, with deliberate exaggeration for comic effect.
I started with Tulsi Gabbard. Who could be more preposterous as Director of National Intelligence? I thought for five minutes and then asked my wife, “Would the Devil be worse than Tulsi?”
“No.” She answered. “The Devil would at least be the Devil we know.”
If I couldn’t discover a more absurd nominee than Tulsi, how could I outdo Pete Hegseth, R.F.K. Jr., Matt Gaetz, and Dr. Mehmet Oz?
I realized it would be easier to parody Trump’s sub-cabinet nominees, as none had been named. Roger Smith III, expected to be nominated for Assistant Secretary of the Navy, declared, “I can’t swim, I can’t sail. I was expelled from the Boy Scouts. I flunked out of community college, live in a homeless camp, never held a job, and suffer from malevolent narcissism. In short, I am a proven Disrupter. I was told the job was mine.”
Not so fast, Smith. “Trump dictated that all military sub cabinet nominees had to be Big Men. ‘As Military leaders, I want only men who look like Arnold Palmer in the shower,’ Trump demanded.”
“I wasn’t a Big Man,” Smith admitted. “Only guys named Hugh got nominated even though none of them graduated from high school, served in the military, or read a book.” Regarding nominees for Assistant Secretary of the Navy, Trump stated, “These are Big Men. The WAVES will love them.” They are:
Hugh Gorgin, Research and Development; Hugh Chardon, Financial Management; Hugh Mungus Shaft, Energy, Installations, and Environment; Hugh G. Rection, Manpower and Reserve Affairs; Hugh Junit, General Counsel
The nominees for Assistant Secretary of the Army have all been convicted of three or more felonies, are serial sexual harassers, and functionally illiterate. They are all Big Men: Mike Oxlong, Acquisitions, Logistics, and Technology; Don Keedix, Civil Works; E. Norm Ascock, Financial Management; Stu Pendous Pecker, Installations, Energy and Environment; Tye Tan Icdong, Manpower and Reserve Affairs; Rod Zenormis, General Counsel.
Trump refers to all of them as “My Jumbos.”
Matt Gaetz withdrew from consideration for attorney general, as smart Post Alley readers all know. His timing was welcome but awkward for correcting this story in time. (Ed.)
Had no idea there were so many descriptors of — whatever.
Simply speechless with laughter…
When I worked at ATL in the early 80’s, there was an intercom system throughout the buildings on Northrup Way. It was possible to contact the main receptionist and request a company wide page over the corporate intercom. Many of the Trump appointees you mentioned, were paged. Until someone in HR wized up.