A Kinder Gentler Trump Proposes: The Bureau of Forgiveness?

In what he proclaimed his most important message since his introduction of NFT digital cards, Donald Trump said that as President he would reorganize the federal government by creating two new government departments and abolishing two existing ones.

Trump promised to form a Department of Equity to “assure that all Americans get what they deserve.” To implement this, this agency will house the Bureau of Forgiveness and the Bureau of Redress. 

The Bureau of Forgiveness will assume responsibilities for:

• Tax audits of corporations with over $1 billion in sales. Because the companies of this size can be trusted to file correctly, tax audits will focus on identifying and informing CEOs, hedge fund managers, and private equity partners that they may be entitled to a tax refund.
• Approve or veto all rulings of regulatory agencies including EPA, SEC, OSHA, FTC, DOL, CFTC, school crossing guards, and meter maids.
• Dismissal of all charges on white-collar crimes that (1) violate job-killing deep-state socialist rules designed to strangle free enterprise or (2) are committed by MAGA loyalists. 
• Pardons for innocent patriots  unjustly convicted of “political crimes” during the reign of the Joe the Usurper.
• Free Market Pardons: Fulfilling Trump’s promise “to unleash the magic of the free market,” non-political pardons will be auctioned weekly to the 25 highest bidders.

In addition, the Bureau of Forgiveness will employ its “soft power” to give Americans what they deserve by using advertising and social media to change cultural and social norms.  A Trump advisor gave four illustrations of the small changes the Bureau will pursue to make life happier and more rewarding for all Americans:

1. Celebrate cheating in golf as evidence of individual creativity and initiative.
2. Highlight how divorces, bankruptcies, and criminal indictments engender personal growth and patriotic heroism.
3. Enlighten males that attractive women enjoy being grabbed by the covfefe.
4. Make the word “narcissist” a complement.

The Bureau of Redress will be assigned these tasks:

• Tax audits of the poor. Everyone making less than $20,000 a year will be audited if they claim refunds for the Earned Income Tax Credit (EITC).  
• Supervising concentration camps for immigrants.
• Prohibiting DEI training, LGBTQ+ books, and nutritional meals.
• Prosecution of lèse-majesté, i.e. any offense against a sovereign ruler, from treason to a simple breach of etiquette. For example, it will be a crime to wear a necktie that does not extend past one’s genitals. 
• Prosecution of Treasonous Thoughts including Socialism and Disparageism (failure to adequately praise those who deserve praise).
• Ridicule of war heroes who get captured.

Trump also promised to establish the Department of Hoax, saying: “Sleepy Joe Biden does not know how to hoax. He gets out hoaxed not only by China, but by shithole countries like Yemen.  It’s PITIFUL. On Day one, I will create a really classy Hoax Department,” Trump said.

“China is ruining our economy with its climate-change hoax. The Chinese are tremendous hoaxers. They’re melting icebergs, engineering monthlong triple-digit heat waves, and flooding the seas to raise water level. Believe me, these guys are beautiful hoaxers, incredible hoaxers. If I didn’t know it was a hoax, I might believe in climate change myself.”

Trump staffers expect Alex Jones to be appointed Secretary of Hoax, and begin by immediately hoaxing Iranians to drink Clorox, change genders, and believe that Dominion Voting Systems stole Reza Pahlavi II’s victory in 2022 election for Iran’s Supreme Leader. 

To pay for the new Departments of Hoax and Equity, Trump will shut down the Department of Education and the Department Housing and Urban Development (HUD). 

“These Departments are losers. They are PATHETIC,” Trump declared. “Education spends $68 billion for teachers to indoctrinate students to choose one of the 72 genders. And HUD wastes its entire $73 billion budget to house illegal Venezuelan immigrants in San Francisco’s Ritz-Carlson, Fairmont, and St. Regis Hotels. We will redirect these funds to give all Americans exactly what they deserve.”