My wife and I are parents of two sons and a daughter, who are now in their teens and twenties. As we come out of COVID isolation and reconnect face-to-face with parents of our kids’ peers, I can’t help but notice a theme. A surprisingly high number of parents of boys describe young men who are — for lack of a better term — struggling to chart their next step. Yet at the same time, most parents of daughters do not generally echo this concern.
There’s something going on with young American males in their “life’s launchpad” years, and few Americans wish to speak about it.
These young men attended the same schools as their sisters. They have loving, intelligent, driven and attentive parents. We’ve known many of these kids from a young age. And now, twenty years on, so many of the boys are opting out. They’re searching. Some are still in extended gap year. Three have dropped out of college. Those who aren’t in college don’t yet have full time jobs. They’re not apprenticing. In many cases these boys are living at home, or in apartments funded by mom and dad. In short — as they now hit their twenties, what Dr. Meg Jay calls the “Defining Decade,” they haven’t found their trail.
The daughters, by and large, are on a more determined path. They’re engaged at college. They’ve landed summer jobs. They have outlets and direction.
This is a very small sample size, and it could just be a unique snapshot. So try this. Know a parent whose kids were born around 2000-2005, who are now high school grads? Ask those with adolescent boys to give an honest assessment of how their son’s friends and peers are doing. Have they found purpose? Are they on the taxiway ready for liftoff? Then, ask parents of adolescent daughters how their friends are doing. Statistically, you’re likely to hear a very different picture.
Zooming out, the data from Pew, the Census Bureau the CDC and more tell a pretty consistent story. America’s young men are in a crisis which is worsening.
Boys’ high school graduation rates are 6% lower than females, and in some states 15% lower. Boys are twice as likely to have a substance use disorder. Boys are more than twice as likely to be diagnosed with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, according to the CDC, which likely says something both about boys, and our tendency to intervene, medicalize and label otherwise normal-spectrum behavior a “disorder.” Boys are five times as likely as girls to spend time in juvenile detention.
Across the country, college women now constitute 60% of the student body, and are also now clearly outpacing men in graduation:
Pew’s survey reveals that a significant driver is personal choice: “Roughly a third (34%) of men without a bachelor’s degree say a major reason they didn’t complete college is that they just didn’t want to. Only one-in-four women say the same.” Younger respondents are also far less likely (33%) than older Americans (45%) to say that college experience was “extremely useful” in helping them develop skills and knowledge which could be used in the workplace.
Male labor force participation rates have been on a steady decline since the 1980’s, while women’s has been on the rise. In 1960, 93% of men aged 25-34 were in the labor force; by 2021, that figure had fallen to 68%.
Not only are the snapshot statistics worrisome, but nearly every single one is trending in the wrong direction. The consequences for America are grave. NYU Professor Scott Golloway puts it starkly: America is producing too many of “the most dangerous person in the world: a broken and alone man.”
This isn’t just bad for men. 78% of American females report that a steady job is very important to them in selecting a spouse or partner. And fully half report that their mate must have equal or better education than them.
And yet, to sound the alarm — or worse, attempt to diagnose or work through whether any of this has cultural, sociological or pedagogical roots — brings out the pitchforks and vitriol.
Andrew Yang wrote a piece about this in the Washington Post in February, The Boys Are Not Alright. The most upvoted comment, from user IrisClover, is typical of the rejoinder: “I love the chorus of dudes proclaiming that male failure to thrive (i.e., to be superior) is all about an unfair system or current social conditions. Rampant violence against women, poverty, unfair pay, females doing nearly all unpaid labor, unequal representation for centuries…oops, they didn’t notice that.” Whew. Well, that conversation went well, didn’t it?
Far too many have conflated discussing the clear crisis in young men with rejection or pushback against the many wonderful advances for women, or a denial of celebration for all that’s been achieved.
But it should be possible to discuss the worrying trends without setting off bad-faith conversation about “what this really means.” Perhaps it means that the boys are in crisis, and we need to diagnose why. We need to bring this conversation to the fore, and engage in it maturely, eggshells and all. It affects every single one of us. Somehow, through a combination of culture, parenting, schooling and more, we are exacerbating very bad trendlines for the future. Perhaps we should actually discuss it cogently, with data, and brainstorm some ways out of it.
After two decades of cultural emphasis on female empowerment, we need to add back to the conversation why and how tens of millions of young American males are opting out, standing on the sidelines, or otherwise falling through the cracks.
Interesting. I looked the graduation rates up for Portugal, and found them to follow the same pattern – 4.4% female, 7.1% male not graduating from secondário (I guess our secondary, can look into it if anyone cares.) Somewhat different society, in some ways maybe more progressive than ours, in others less. It was the first hit on my search, as though they’ve been thinking about this over there.
What made the analysis more interesting was the additional data from 1992. Not sure why that particular year, but as you will see, Portugal has gone through some changes in our lifetimes. Nongraduation then: 44.2% female, 56.2% male. Make of it what you will. (Portugal was essentially a third world country at the middle of the 20th century; far better by 1992 but I guess not all the way up to western European standards.)
https://www.pordata.pt/Portugal/Taxa+de+abandono+precoce+de+educa%c3%a7%c3%a3o+e+forma%c3%a7%c3%a3o+total+e+por+sexo-433-4680
Great subject! thanks for writing about it Mr. Murch.
I’m a blue collar guy who kicked around the NW working in commercial fishing, construction and warehouses for most of my life. Here’s a couple of changes I’ve seen since starting out on my own in 1983.
Educated people have a lower option of blue collar workers now. Families seem to let their college dropout son live in their basement rather than working in HVAC or construction and just getting on with their life. My dad bought me a ’64 Ford Falcon for my H.S. graduation… to drive far away from Mom and him and do my own thing. It’s was very clear I’d make my own way… and be my own man.
The path forward for blue collar guys has never been tougher. In Seattle it’s easy to get a job in construction and only slightly harder to get a job driving bus or joining the police force. It’s nearly impossible to buy a house on what those jobs pay. Back in the ’80’s my friends and I all ended up working for the County or aerospace, or getting a contractor’s license….houses were bought, girls where married, babies made (maybe not in that order)…. we didn’t have some iron clad plan, but with hard work and a little luck there was a way forward. I’m not sure kids have that now.
You write: “Educated people have a lower option of blue collar workers now.”
That’s a really important and interesting perspective. I tried to find some sentiment data on this, and came up short. But what you write certainly -rings- true (though it shouldn’t be! We’ve just come through a first pandemic wave where ostensibly we’ve sought to understand and appreciate essential work.) That unhealthy divide between “knowledge professions” and manual labor does feel like it’s expanding, and it has contributed to a very significant red/blue cultural divide.
To the readers of Post Alley: How many people do you know who have a pickup truck? Pickup trucks are three of the top five biggest sellers in America. How many of your 100-500 friends do you know who drives one?
There’s some outdated info from 2009 here: https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2009/09/03/iii-attitudes-toward-work/
More recently, in 2019, only 30% of Americans reported that they wanted to ever work in manufacturing, which is a decline from previous years, according to the CEO of Snap-on tools: https://www.cnbc.com/2019/07/17/americans-dont-tell-the-truth-when-they-talk-about-manufacturing-jobs.html
Personally, I feel many young people (and older folks!), are way, way underappreciating the value of manual tradecraft.
I happen to love working on computers in tech, but if I didn’t, and I were a graduating high schooler, I’d seriously consider becoming an electrician, plumber or carpenter. In 2022, I think being setting out to be the most expert electrician, carpenter, plumber or more will be in tremendous comparative demand, depending upon the market served. It’s a job that cannot be outsourced.
With fewer people choosing these vocations, the opportunity to establish some significant nest-egg over time seems quite possible, if not likely. I don’t feel the same about driving, especially long-haul driving — that seems quite possible to be on the path of automation within a generation. It’s highly dignified work! Those of us who spend more time in Powerpoint yearn for the satisfaction of fixing a sink every now and then, or making a new circuit come to life.
EXPECTATIONS Vs. WORK ETHICS
Male ego, in this day and age, desires a quick easy ride to fame and fortune. School is hard work and many are disillusioned, especially when the job hunt after college doesn’t produce what they assumed. Our kids have been sold a future that isn’t attainable for everyone.
My parental advice – get them a job in High School as dishwasher/ busboy – buy them a lawn mower – when they want the latest shoes or phone, have them paint their room BEFORE you buy it for them. Parenting isn’t just providing, it is teaching………
For sure. I strongly believe everyone should at one point in their life work in restaurant/hospitality. At a minimum, it makes us appreciate the hard work. Will never forget those days scooping ice cream… There are plenty of openings right now, but one impact of the higher minimum wage law is that breaking into these jobs for teens is now significantly harder. That is, given a requirement to pay, say, $20 per hour, most restaurants will opt for someone with experience over someone onboarding to their first job. But yes, agree fully with your basic point.
Your view is vastly too simplistic Phil. My son had a job, a good one, in high school and beyond yet his arc was also very much the same as described in this article. The culture we live in is influencing these kids vastly more than previous generations. And I’m highly suspicious of what I saw in Seattle schools as he went through them. The anti-boy attitude (or should I say pro-girl) that I witnessed over many schools and years, was simply too visible to ignore. Boys with their inherently squirmy walk around behavior seemed to be disciplined far more than girls. If I had to change one thing, I would have home schooled our son.
I agree 100 % . In my opinion through observation of many young men from teens to early adulthood their parents did not teach them responsibility and just indulged them in whatever they wanted to do. They are so used to Mom and Dad wiping their butts for them they don’t know how to do it themselves.
I saw the same piece in the a Washington Post and was disgusted at the myopic vitriol of the majority of comments. Zero empathy, zero understanding of how this hurts all of us, and a gleeful demonization and blaming of…..boys. CHILDREN. We need serious trade options in school starting with late elementary school. More male teachers. And a zero tolerance of phones in the classroom.
Just seeing this now. I agree there’s a social and cultural issue to look at that doesn’t negate or disparage the gains women are making.
I’ll add that I think the affected generation extends earlier than current 20-somethings. I have a 40- something son with a college degree and a profession who is looking for meaning in his life. I would like a social analysis of his cohort. He may be a one-off but maybe not.
More significantly, I know four women in their mid- to late-thirties who are single mothers by choice, with babes from 1-1/2 years to pre-natal. They all have strong supportive communities, but they don’t have partners. I think this is a trend worth examining.
I was watching the news on TV last night and there was an interview with a elementary school teacher who was (very enthusiastically) talking about all the wonderful new information that was being passed on to his students. For instance, he said, who would of guessed that women are better leaders than men. I thought that was a strange thing to say. One sex is not a better leader than the other. A good leader is a good leader. They could be ether sex. I got a strong feeling that that teacher shouldn’t be teaching little kids.
I’ve been noticing this since I was a middle school teacher in the 90s. The honor roll was full of girls, 90 to 95%. When I asked a question, the hands in the air were girls’ hands, Plus maybe a couple of especially self-possessed boys. The vast majority of boys spent a lot of time perfecting a look of boredom and ennui, chin on hand. Rather than looking at this from a perspective of scarcity, assuming we have to focus on one group or another, we need to commit to do right by every child. No kid deserves to be left out of having a fulfilling future.
I arrived at this article as the first relevant (for me) link when Googling “what is it like to be a young man in 2022”, which I did because I (60 years old, male) have been thinking a lot about the kinds of things written about here (and contrasting with when I was in high school in the 70’s when fx mass shootings or any kind of school shooting were really not even on the radar screen – we just didn’t think about it).
Noting that the patch article is also on-target for my query and is also a good read for anyone finding this article or Andrew Yang’s piece worthy, I think that the other four search hit titles really say something about how shallowly and ineptly young men are regarded – and also noting that at least three of these seem to be written from a female or at least exclusively sexual viewpoint):
Boys Trying to Fit in as Young Men in 2022 (Patch)
A Younger Man (NYTimes – an article about dating)
On (Not) Wasting My Time With a Younger Man (NYTimes – another dating article)
The Head Over Feels Most Handsome Young Man in 2022 (orlandomagazine)
10 Dumb Things Young Men Need to Stop Doing in 2022 (youtube)
I am a 25 year old male. College graduated, working professional. I’m here because I find life really difficult. Not only money and resources, but also dating and general life expectations.
I have worked hard and made myself relatively “successful,” and still find it exceedingly difficult to stand out in this world as a man and as a partner.
I know this process will only harden men like me that are committed to making it happen, but I can’t imagine the men that don’t have motivation to make it happen. I think society has become dangerous for those that aren’t either at the very top or are working to get there.
I’m going to post this here and I honestly doubt anyone from the mainstream media or even underground media will pay attention because it truly seems like there is some sort of group of people in the media who are completely and utterly against American men succeeding or having any shred of self esteem or control over their own identities whatsoever. I see countless young men essentially screaming at the top of their lungs as to what the issue is, and nobody wants to listen.
“What is it? Why are our boys so suicidal, depressed, etc?”
And then they blame it on video games, porn, alcohol, drugs, whatever. They always list things that are technically under our control. It’s unbelievably insulting. Our generation of men has had virtually everything taken from us in this country. Our life expectancy is lower than the generations above ours. The women in our generation are utterly dismal. They parrot everything the media tells them about how all men are awful, and toxic. There was a Twitter hashtag that was trending for weeks a few years ago and it was literally “#killallmen”. The people who popularized that hashtag and all of the endless slander towards men as a whole are the same people writing articles trying to explain away “what’s wrong with men”
I’ll tell you what it is – we have no opportunities. We are expected to work for absolutely no benefit to ourselves. We get screwed in the courts for child support, alimony, and whatever else anyone wants to accuse us of. We’re expected to protect this country, one that doesn’t serve us whatsoever anymore. We’re expected to take care of all of the older folks, while not being given any opportunities to work or make enough money to even pay rent for ourselves. There are flat out not enough good paying jobs, and the ones that do exist are now being taken by women who still expect us to be bread winners, or we aren’t marriageable. Feminism has gone way too far and has benefitted women by devaluing men and nothing else. We’re tired, and most of us have completely given up even trying to explain this to the general population because we will immediately be labeled misogynists and have our entire lives ruined via the internet. The women in this country are NOT MARRIAGEABLE at ALL. We don’t want to marry them. They are shielded by family courts and divorced are almost always initiated by them. It is absolutely a horrible deal for us, so we’re either moving to other countries to find wives or simply not having children. There isn’t another option. There isn’t enough money, there aren’t enough jobs, and we are glossed over in education in order to benefit women.
It’s not toxic masculinity, it’s not misogyny, it’s not whatever the hell else the liberal media wants to say it is (and I honestly am left leaning, but cannot stand liberals anymore for this very reason). It’s the fact that dating or marrying the women in this country is legitimately a serious risk that can completely ruin your life now. On top of that, women expect men to still earn tons of money. Feminism changed all of the expectations we have of women, but not for men. And they’re trying to change the expectations for men into “being sensitive” and all this other ridiculous stuff that me simply do not want and haven’t wanted since the dawn of human history. As much as women want men to be able to provide, men want women to be able to nurture. That agreement has been broken over the last few decades, so we are no longer providing. Is it depressing? Yes. Is it less depressing than slaving your entire life away, throwing away your body, falling in love and raising a family and then having it all ripped away from you for seemingly no reason with virtually no assistance and then also being expected to pay for it for the rest of your life? Yes.
People seriously need to accept that this is the reality. We’re not progressing into some “new era of men”. Men are pissed off, utterly pissed off. People should honestly be satisfied with the silence, because if men get any more angry about all of this or it continues to get worse in this country then we’re going to have a much, much bigger issue on our hands I can promise you that.
In view of recent shootings, I found this article when I typed in the following search, “why do american young adults believe they have a right to shoot young children?”. I have had a perhaps unusual journey as I returned to school late as woman, trying to cultivate a brain, that had been nourished in my earlier schooling experience, I do identify with feelings of containment by a gender paradigm I learned and subscribed to deep in my interior. My experience of going to school later in life has lead to an awareness of many inscribed oppressions, that our hitting our current younger generations hard and none of them are good for us. During my journey, I have come to a great deal of respect for blue collar and “other” collar professionals, who have found ways to build a life outside of the invitation into college. College is not paying off. And currently housing and jobs are not aligned. Many salaries are not able to support living costs alone: many cities are being crippled by this reality. Our lovely youth are sensitive and read things. There is a profound cultural despair afoot for many- there is no easy way to build even the simplest life any more.
There was a lot of destruction that happened in the Great Recession, to those graduating, their pedigrees and hard work were marred by the profoundly discouraging (and I mean profoundly discouraging) algorithms of job search and human resource mechanisms which have been churned out – making finding work one of the most inhumane experiences -if any one looking for work does not have an accurate cheerleader or a strong sense of self encouragement, it is super easy to become discouraged by these.
Finally, I do think that the cis male image is often referenced as oppressive, but rarely referenced in other ways… this can encouraged the thought that no action is good action, or that finding a way to identify as a victim is how to get strong. This is not a way to build agency. Finally, no one is mention health, women are regularly addressed around hormonal balance, but this subject is rarely addressed in men, especially young men. There are a lot of environmental toxins in the world we live in, including dietary ones, that can upset the balance.
I watch a lot of Korean dramas because they seem to be about empowering both men and women through relational healing and personal healing. They have a way of honoring and attending to the intimacy of men that I find helpful. It has really made me think.
Well that is my two cents. I really appreciate your writing about this subject. I think it is an approach that is really needed. I encourage you and others to do more.
Here is an edited version of my comment.
In view of recent shootings, I found this article when I typed in the following search, “why do american young adults believe they have a right to shoot young children?” I come from a generation that would not have thought in this direction.
But maybe I have had a perhaps unusual journey as I returned to school late as woman, trying to cultivate a brain, that had not been nourished in my earlier schooling experience. Thus, I do identify with feelings of containment by a gender paradigm, that I learned and subscribed to deep in my interior. My experience of going to school later in life has however, lead to an awareness of many other inscribed oppressions, some that are now hitting our current younger generations hard- and none of them are good for us or them. I am so sad to see the despair mentioned in this thread…but I am glad it is being put into words
I worked with blue collar industry through out my life supporting myself through school and in a key time- in graduate school by working in teacher education connected to industrial arts. During my journey, I have come to a great deal of respect for blue collar and “other” collar professionals, who have found ways to build a life outside of the invitation into college. Unfortunately – College is not paying off. It really looks like a big risk now, and nothing has really replaced it. But if you have been taught that school is the answer, then I can see where the stall occurs. We have been taught to believe in this answer as a culture. It is stunning that students are graduating with student loans of the amounts carried, and with so small hope of it leading somewhere.
Currently housing and jobs are not aligned. Many salaries are not able to support living costs alone, many jobs can not support anything but a partnered life – meaning that supporting children becomes so hard. Both men and women face truncated circumstances in this dream – many are right to give up on it and cities are being crippled by this reality.
Our lovely youth are sensitive and read things. There is a profound cultural despair afoot for many- there is no easy way to build even the simplest life any more.
There was a lot of destruction that happened in the Great Recession, to those graduating, their pedigrees and hard work were marred by the profoundly discouraging (and I mean profoundly discouraging) algorithms of job search and human resource mechanisms, which have been churned out – making finding work one of the most inhumane experiences. If anyone looking for work does not have an accurate cheerleader or a strong sense of self encouragement, it is super easy to become discouraged by these.
Finally, I do think that the cis male image is often referenced as oppressive, but rarely referenced in other ways… this can encourage the thought that ‘no action is good action’, or that finding a way to ‘identify as a victim is how to get strong’. This is not a way to build agency.
Finally, it is rare to hear mention of health, women are regularly addressed around hormonal balance, but this complex subject is rarely addressed in men, especially young men. There are a lot of environmental toxins in the world we live in, including dietary ones, that can upset the balance.
I watch a lot of Korean dramas because they seem to be about empowering both men and women through looking at cultural pressures and relational healing and personal healing. They have a way of honoring and attending to the intimacy of men that I find helpful. It has really made me think.
Well, that is my two cents. I really appreciate your writing about this subject. I think it is an approach that is really needed. I encourage you and others to do more.