A fellow who said he was with IRS called today. He said I owed $15,560 in back taxes. “If you do not pay immediately you will be subject to arrest, deportment, or impalement,” he warned.
“Impalement? The medieval torture?” I asked.
“Yes. We will push a sharp pole through your body. We will then raise it upright allowing you to slide further down the pole, pulled by your own weight.”
“Let’s settle this quickly,” I said. “Yesterday I received an email from the IRS informing me of an unexpected tax refund of $25,680. All they wanted was a credit card number to verify my identify. I’ll let you chaps claim the refund. Hang on for a moment. My cell phone is ringing.”
It was Seattle City light threatening to turn off my electricity unless I paid them $857 immediately. I told them to call 877-943-58XX and collect a $1,000 Amazon gift card. “You can keep the change,” I said. “My name was picked at random for this prize. Just tell them you are Steven Clifford. If they ask for verification, tell them your favorite Beatle is George.”
Then back to the IRS: “If you directly collect my tax refund, we can all avoid transaction costs. You won’t even need to give a credit card number. You all work for the IRS and probably are good friends. And you can keep the change”
Then my wife interrupted me.
“What did we do with that free ski week at Vail we won yesterday? A guy from Microsoft is calling. He says my computer is contaminated by poison sumac. He wants a credit card to fix it, but I think I can talk him into a free ski week at Vail.”
“You can’t use Vail,” I answered. “I sent that to the Jury Commission. They said we missed jury duty and we could either pay a big fine or undergo coffin torture.”
“Coffin torture?”
“The Jury Commission explained that each of us would be placed inside a metal cage in the shape of our bodies. The cage would then be hung from a tree allowing squirrels to eat us alive.
“Can I offer Microsoft the cruise we won?”
“No. I sent instructions for obtaining this gift to our grandson who needs money desperately to escape from Iran. Offer Microsoft the inheritance we are promised from that grand uncle that never existed.”
“But the inheritance is over $10 million dollars Should we save that for something big?”
“Good point! We should trade the inheritance to Dr. Issackson Shakas
“Who is he?”
“He is the stepson of the Late General Robert Guei, former President of Cote d’Ivoire. Shakas is offering us the strongbox.”
“What strongbox?”
“Apparently murdered Nigerian Cabinet Minister Boma Ngobo, before his death or unspeakable gore, hid $58,600,000 in a strongbox. Shakas will put us in touch with Princess Ikĕ, Ngobo’s widow, who for reasons unexplained needs our help and will give us $29,300,000. There are some fees involved I’m sure the Inheritance will cover it.”
